I Prayed for This

A difficult road

I don't know what to say I feel
I'm choking sometimes
falling
flailing
fearful
wishing to go back to
something
gilded
something
old
some place where once I felt like things were right
but I can't figure out where that might've been

I'm on a hill a
crossing
crossroads
weaving
all directions through the night and

I don't know

I don't know

I don't know

which way I'm meant to take like
every one of them a slide
descending to a
place in concrete
twilight

a place where once another tread
where once I stood and watched and said

goodbye

why must I always say goodbye

why must I be the one to say goodbye

why must I be the one remaining

when everything has said goodbye

and wondering
wondering
why am I

the only thing

that's left behind

I prayed

I prayed

I prayed

Wasn't I the one
who prayed for this?

For all this empty street unfolding
downward
ever stretching on and on
alone
goodbye'd
beyond the point of all return

For I have drawn a card REVERSED
and now I pray
to find some way
some meaning in this dark
unwatched
unwelcome place
a concrete Styx

I prayed

I stayed

I meant

for this
I'm meant to take the pain
and this
dissembling
doubtful
curtain thus
is but another pain I must

embrace